Mums and Tots: not for the faint-hearted

I took little Ivor to the Mums and Tots group in the village hall. This is run by two or three women, all of whom have children Ivor's age (i.e. under three years old). The Village Hall either lets them meet there for free or for a very low charge. The Mums and Tots group gets a grant from the government to buy toys, and the women helping to run the sessions are unpaid volunteers. As such it is about the cheapest morning out to be had in Dusty Mouldings: for £1 your little darling gets a one hour play session, followed by a snack of biscuits and fruit and fruit drink. Mum gets a cup of tea and a biscuit and the chance to chat to other mums with small children.

You do all have to sing songs at the end. There is no avoiding this part, I've tried but you can't. You sing "Twinkle Twinkle little star", "Row row row your boat", "I'm a dingle-dangle scarecrow with a flippy-floppy hat" and "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" and do all the right actions too.

Despite the name Fathers are welcome too. They just never go. I have never yet met a man who enjoys sitting in a village hall with fifteen toddlers all running around shouting "graagh!" until one of them wets themself.

The sessions run once a week, term-time only. I did take Stanley along to a session once but he hid in a cupboard and wouldn't come out until it was all over.