When in doubt, call out the Grammar Squad.

Someone asked me recently to explain the nature of doubt. It sounded like a job for a priest rather than an English teacher. I asked her what she meant.

"Doubt can be an uncountable noun, as in 'doubt'", she said. "It can also be used in the singular, as in 'a doubt' or 'the doubt'. It can be used in the plural, as 'doubts', as well as in the negative as 'no doubt', 'without a doubt', 'without doubts' or 'without doubt'. How do you know which form to use?"

I saw her point. It's a tricky question. I considered consulting a priest, but decided instead to call the police.

Inspector Syntax of the Grammar Squad answered my call and was round my house before the kettle had boiled.

"Evening!" he said. "What seems to be the problem?"

"There's been an incident involving nouns. Can you help?"

Inspector Syntax looked thoughtful. "It all depends on getting a positive identification. If you can identify the noun in question and pick it out of a line-up then we can arrest it and charge it with Disturbing the Piece. If you can give us a general description then we can give it a warning, maybe even apply for an Anti-Semantic Behaviour Order. But if you can't provide us with any description at all, there is nothing the police can do. All we can do with the uncountable nouns like Truth and Life is give them a capital letter and keep them under observation."

"I've had a complaint about Society," I answered.

"Which society would that be, Madam? he asked. "Did you get its name and address?"

"No," I said regretfully. "I think it was just Society in general, the tendency of human people to live in organised groups."

"These uncountable nouns are slippery customers," mused the Inspector. "We know they're out there causing no end of trouble, but no-one ever gets a good enough look at them to make a positive identification. The undercover boys keep them under surveillance, but it's hard to get enough on them to get an arrest."

I nodded, and reflected.

"We've been having trouble with computers," I said. "Apparently they are a necessary evil in modern Society".


PC Syntax took out his notebook and pencil (a 2B).


"Could you identify these computers if you saw them again, Madam?"


"I think they must be the computers owned by individual, schools, businesses and organisations," I answered. "I'm afraid I can't be more specific because I didn't get a very close look at them."


"Computers, several of them, definitely existing, but with no clear description," said Inspector Syntax, writing."That's enough information for us to go round their house and give them a warning. We can't charge them without a clearer description."


"Then there's all the trouble I've been having with doubt," I said, watching him write.


"Which doubt was it, Madam? Did you get its number?"


"Well," I said. "I have some doubts about English grammar."


"Sounds more promising", said Inspector Syntax, making notes. "Doubts about grammar. Can you be more specific? What did they look like?"


"Most of them are just doubts in general," I answered. "Although I do have one particular doubt."


"Now we're getting somewhere! Can you describe your doubt for me, Madam? What was it wearing?"


"The doubt that I'm talking about concerns whether doubt, when used as an uncountable noun should be spelled with a capital letter, like Truth, Beauty, Life, Death, Man, Woman and God."

"We should be able to take steps against your doubt about uncountable nouns", said PC Syntax. "Your description of that particular doubt is quite clear. We should be able to take it into custody, set up an identity parade, make a positive identification and charge it. Once charged, we can refer to it as 'the doubt' or even 'that doubt', as in 'that nasty-looking little doubt we've got locked up in cell number four'."


"But what if it turns out that there is no doubt?" I asked.

"Well, we can't arrest a doubt that doesn't exist, Madam!" said PC Syntax in his best Dealing with the Stupid manner. "Whether it's no doubt, no doubts or not a doubt, it's all the same to me. If it's not there I can't charge it with anything."

"So doubt doesn't get a capital 'D' if it doesn't exist?" I asked.

"Not much point really, Madam", he answered.

I  nodded. No sense in wasting police time with unnecessary paperwork.


"Well, I must be off," said the Inspector, pocketing his notebook and standing up. "We've had a complaint about loose word order over in the LingQ forum. We need to get it all safely fixed down before someone trips over a dangling participle and hurts themselves."

"A grammar policeman's work is never done," I nodded sympathetically as I opened the door for him.

"Mind how you conjugate 'to go'", were his parting words.