The Great Undercover Semantics Operation

Security cleared and spell-checked: to be read with your eyes only

I have finally been given permission, by Her Majesty's Semantics Office, to reveal that I have been taking part in an undercover language operation for the British Intelligence Services.

The language which I have kept under observation for the last two years cannot be named for security reasons, nor can the nationalities of its masters or the political powers which it serves. It can only be referred to as the “target language”.

Most of my surveillance work has been done at a known meeting place for semantics agents and words of all nationalities, known to the Grammar Squad as “Steve's Speak-Easy”.

Initially I sought out the most common words, the small fry, the ones to be seen hanging out in every paragraph. I made notes on them as I encountered them.

To begin with my notes looked something like this:

“[man]: noun, masculine: an adult male.”

(Note: for security reasons all words under surveillance must be referred to using English code names in square brackets.)

My handler (who I may only refer to as Inspector S****x from the Grammar Squad) said this was a good start, but they needed more.

“We need to know the company these words keep,” he said, ”The disguises they adopt and the different roles they are known to play. We need to get enough intelligence to convict at least a thousand of the most active operators.”

Holy infinitive! To get a full dossier on the known activities of a thousand words at large in society would take a lot of work. I put the kettle on and sent out for emergency rations of biscuits.

Fortunately I could rely on informants. These were people who, while in the service of foreign powers, were prepared for a price (500 points per 15 minutes) to pass on their information about the 'target language' to our agents.

After several months of gruelling tea-drinking, meetings with informants, reading dossiers and listening to surveillance recordings, I had more to report.

“I've seen the word [man] in several disguises, playing a variety of roles within different sentences,” I told my 'handler'.

“Such as?” asked Inspector S****x, stirring two sugars into his tea.

“Nominative, accusative and genitive,” I answered. “Plus one sighting as a prepositional. I have photographs and example phrases for each one. I've seen [man] in the singular, and also hanging around in the plural.”

Inspector S****x nodded in approval. “That's the kind of information we need,” he said. “But it goes deeper than that. Does a woman refer to the person she is married to as a [man]? What about the person your mother is married to? We need to know if [man] works alone or with synonyms."

More long hours of undercover work. I stiffened my upper lip and set the line of my jaw more firmly as I refilled the tea caddy.

A few more months later I had more to report.

“[man] doesn't work alone,” I said. “I've observed him swapping places with [husband], [father], [uncle], [son], [person], lad and even [hunk]. He also keeps company with [woman], [wife], [mother], [daughter], [girl] and [babe].”

“You have examples?” asked my handler.

“Oh yes!” I said smugly. “In all his various guises, playing all his favourite roles in sentences, in different settings, formal and informal registers. There's no doubt about it. We have our [man] just where we want him!”

“Excellent work!” beamed the Inspector. “Now all we have to do is to lure him out into the open. I want you to use him in conversation with enemy agents, as much as you can. We need hard evidence of his operations in daily conversation so that we can secure a conviction and make it stick. Get him nailed down in writing too. Our informants will check your work.”

The operation was moving fast. From the passive to the active phase so soon! My heart was beating at 150 words per minute.

“I won't fail you!” I promised my handler. “I shall submit 150 words every week for checking. We will soon get this “target language” just where we want it!”

“On the tip of our tongues,” nodded Inspector S****x in approval. “Soon we will be in a position to make any demands we want to in our 'target language'.