I've got a note from my kids excusing me from Parents Evening

[This is true]

I hate Parents Evening and I get out of going to it whenever I can. In theory, having three children in full-time education, I should attend three Parents Evenings per term. In practice James doesn’t seem to have them regularly and I suspect he has perfected the art of losing his letter on the walk home. That suits me just fine. Anything that spares me from hearing a teacher’s opinion on one of my kids is a bonus as far as I am concerned.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for teachers. It’s just that, after nine years of having school age kids, I have come to realise that anything a teacher says about your child, another teacher will say the exact opposite based on exactly the same observations, and neither one is going to listen to what Mum has to say about it.

James’ teachers have always divided evenly between those whose think he is gifted and those who think he is psychologically disturbed, and they only need to answer the simple question: “Will he get a Nobel prize or an ASBO?” to give me all the benefit of their professional opinion that I need.

Mim’s teachers split into those that think she is dim and lazy and those that think she is clever and hard-working. Presumably it depends on whether they like her, or whether she likes them. In any case, whichever I hear at Parents Evening, next term or next year I will hear the exact opposite.

Birdy’s teachers worry that he doesn’t talk very much. There are no two ways about it: he doesn’t talk very much. They can’t fix it; I can’t fix it. Either he will catch up with the others or he will remain silent. He’s not dim, he’s just not chatty. I can’t see any point in spending another 10 minutes discussing it when we could all be drinking a cup of tea and eating a chocolate biscuit instead. Which goes to show: whatever the cause of his taciturnity may be, it runs in the family.

Let’s be honest: any teacher who needs to sit the parent down for 10 minutes once a term to say “Little Jimmy stills chews gums in class and can’t do long division” is a teacher with poor communication skills. Anything that the parents really need to know should have already been communicated to them, via letter or e-mail or a “Could we have a word in the corridor?” meeting.

A really experienced teacher can convey to me all I need to know about my kids’ progress with a shrug and knowing smile. In James’ case, often glancing up towards Heaven and crossing themselves as well.