Sounding well-read
So. You are in that all-important oral examination, job interview or (possibly even) first date. You have just told the story about the time when you got drunk and fell asleep on an aeroplane and when you woke up you couldn't remember what country you were in or why**. Suddenly you are gripped by doubt. Have you made yourself sound stupid, shallow or mentally unstable? Do you imagine a look of agitation on the face of your examiner / interviewer / hot date? Don't panic! You can make yourself sound smart and well-read at any time, by the use of a quotation.
When I was little nearly every family owned a Bible. Not for reading you understand. Most people in England would rather clear out their garage than read the Bible. No, it was there as a source book for impressive-sounding quotes. You were guaranteed an extra couple of marks in any essay, on any subject, if you threw in a quote from the Bible or Shakespeare. My brother's party trick was to dispute the existence of God using quotations from the Bible (he must have gone to some really dull parties).
Nowadays you no longer need to own books to quote from them. If you are speaking in English, go to http://www.famousquotesandauthors.com/, pick six impressive-sounding quotes and memorise them. I can virtually guarantee that at some point in your conversation the opportunity will arise to say one of them. It may not actually be relevant to what is being discussed, but it will be grammatically correct and win you a few seconds of thinking time (see "Getting a moment to think").
If you want to sound cool and witty rather than well-read and deep, try this site: http://www.great-quotes.com/. You can learn some quotes from Frank Zappa (ask your parents who this is) or Nelson Mandela. If you want to sound educated and witty in a different language, translate "famous quotes" into your target language and Google it. Or you can ask your tutor for some of their favourite quotes and who said them.
Poetry (if you can remember any) and song lyrics can be used too. Pretty much any line from any Bob Dylan song sounds profound if you say it seriously enough. You can search on his song lyrics on this site:http://www.bobdylan.com/#/songs. Or any folk singer you like: all folk song lyrics sound like they mean more than they actually do.
An expert at the quotations game will have a quote to hand for every essay question they are likely to encounter. Favourite language examination topics include: isn't society in a shocking state, the planet's a bit dirty, politicians are evil, war is nasty. It doesn't take long to choose a profound quote for each of these topics. If you aim to end your essay with a preprepared quote the the essay is much easier to write. For example:
Question:
"Isn't War nasty?"
Answer:
"Bloody human history .......the suffering of innocent children.....waste of scarce resources....large-scale atrocities....power-grabbing politics.......slaughter...human greed...not in my name....
"To conclude with the words of Antoine de Saint-Exupery: "War is not an adventure. It is a disease."
I think I could write 500 words on that even if I was half asleep. Come to think of it, I probably HAVE written it while half asleep at some point in school. Being profound doesn't actually take a lot of thought.
I'll let Albert Einstein sum it up for us: "Imagination is more important than knowledge." ****
-------------------
** Yes, I have done this. And told the story in an inappropriate situation afterwards.
**** Tchja! I'd have written this article much quicker if I'd thought of that quote before I started writing!
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Monday, 21 June 2010
What to say when words fail you part 5
Using Humour
I am a very shy person and examinations, meetings and interviews are difficult for me. I have had to struggle with anxiety attacks in interviews, and it is not easy showing yourself in a good light when you feel as if you are about to have a heart attack. I have worried so hard about examinations that I have had a migraine and been unable to sit the exam.
I am not, therefore, an expert in being confident. I am, however, very good at sounding confident, which is not quite the same thing. I can give lectures and attend interviews and chat happily with strangers over Skype, and if I mention my jangling nerves, people assume I'm joking and laugh politely. That's because I use humour. It takes practice to use jokes when you are sweating and feeling light-headed, but it is an excellent way to seem relaxed, to make other people more relaxed and even to make yourself relaxed.
This seems a particularly unlikely strategy for university graduates because, surprise surprise, we've been told not to do it. We've been told that it makes us seem shallow, superficial and it looks like we are not taking things seriously. Hands up all those who told a joke in the presentation of their doctoral thesis! No-one? I didn't think so.
I'm not suggesting you dress like Beano the Clown and squirt the examiners with water from a trick flower. However, you might consider one or more of these strategies, to put yourself and your examiner (who is probably a shy person too) at ease.
1) Smile! Try looking happy to meet the person who holds your fate in their hands.
2) Make some jolly remark about the loveliness of the weather, the dazzling smile of the receptionist, the fact that you are wearing your nicest brooch today. In short, try not to act like a person being led to the electric chair.
3) Tell a personal anecdote, eg:
"I started learning Spanish because I fell in love with Antonio Banderas! I wanted to be able to ask him out in his own language if I ever happened to meet him."
Or:
"I went to France on a school trip when I was ten and on the bus I was sick on the teacher's shoes! It didn't affect my love for the country though."
4)Throw in a blatantly untrue fact:
"In my country everyone has the words of the National Anthem sewn into their underwear. If you forget the words while you are singing you are allowed to drop your trousers to read them."
5) Slip in some unexpected words
When I was at business school we used to play the Aardark game. In every essay, business report and examination script we dropped in the word "aardvark". Eg in economics:
"...so should the world demand for, eg, aardvarks increase while the supply (eg the wild aardvark population) decrease, the result will be an increase in the price of aardvarks."
When proceedings are getting dull I like to slip in a word like:
garden gnomes
dormice
roasted elk
My Grandma's Chilli Pickle
If you do this right you should see a puzzled frown flit over your examiner's face as his brain registers the unexpected word, then a smile as he recognises it as intentional humour. If the puzzled frown stays there, then he hasn't got the joke.
6) Make a self-depreciating remark
eg: I am 40 years old and therefore don't understand iTunes
I am British and therefore don't know much about sex
I am a woman and therefore know nothing about cars.
7) Get excited about something
The examiner's cool laptop, the curtains in the exam room which are EXACTLY the material you've been hunting for, the fact that your examiner is from Vancouver (it's the city of the GODS!) Chinese food is wonderful, Italian men are very sexy. It instantly turns you in the eyes of the examiner from just another examination candidate into a real, warm, flesh and blood person. It also helps you to speak more naturally and fluently. Try it sometime. Record yourself reciting facts and figures. Then record yourself describing the best meal you ever ate. See the difference? The examiner will.
Next article: sounding well-read.
I am a very shy person and examinations, meetings and interviews are difficult for me. I have had to struggle with anxiety attacks in interviews, and it is not easy showing yourself in a good light when you feel as if you are about to have a heart attack. I have worried so hard about examinations that I have had a migraine and been unable to sit the exam.
I am not, therefore, an expert in being confident. I am, however, very good at sounding confident, which is not quite the same thing. I can give lectures and attend interviews and chat happily with strangers over Skype, and if I mention my jangling nerves, people assume I'm joking and laugh politely. That's because I use humour. It takes practice to use jokes when you are sweating and feeling light-headed, but it is an excellent way to seem relaxed, to make other people more relaxed and even to make yourself relaxed.
This seems a particularly unlikely strategy for university graduates because, surprise surprise, we've been told not to do it. We've been told that it makes us seem shallow, superficial and it looks like we are not taking things seriously. Hands up all those who told a joke in the presentation of their doctoral thesis! No-one? I didn't think so.
I'm not suggesting you dress like Beano the Clown and squirt the examiners with water from a trick flower. However, you might consider one or more of these strategies, to put yourself and your examiner (who is probably a shy person too) at ease.
1) Smile! Try looking happy to meet the person who holds your fate in their hands.
2) Make some jolly remark about the loveliness of the weather, the dazzling smile of the receptionist, the fact that you are wearing your nicest brooch today. In short, try not to act like a person being led to the electric chair.
3) Tell a personal anecdote, eg:
"I started learning Spanish because I fell in love with Antonio Banderas! I wanted to be able to ask him out in his own language if I ever happened to meet him."
Or:
"I went to France on a school trip when I was ten and on the bus I was sick on the teacher's shoes! It didn't affect my love for the country though."
4)Throw in a blatantly untrue fact:
"In my country everyone has the words of the National Anthem sewn into their underwear. If you forget the words while you are singing you are allowed to drop your trousers to read them."
5) Slip in some unexpected words
When I was at business school we used to play the Aardark game. In every essay, business report and examination script we dropped in the word "aardvark". Eg in economics:
"...so should the world demand for, eg, aardvarks increase while the supply (eg the wild aardvark population) decrease, the result will be an increase in the price of aardvarks."
When proceedings are getting dull I like to slip in a word like:
garden gnomes
dormice
roasted elk
My Grandma's Chilli Pickle
If you do this right you should see a puzzled frown flit over your examiner's face as his brain registers the unexpected word, then a smile as he recognises it as intentional humour. If the puzzled frown stays there, then he hasn't got the joke.
6) Make a self-depreciating remark
eg: I am 40 years old and therefore don't understand iTunes
I am British and therefore don't know much about sex
I am a woman and therefore know nothing about cars.
7) Get excited about something
The examiner's cool laptop, the curtains in the exam room which are EXACTLY the material you've been hunting for, the fact that your examiner is from Vancouver (it's the city of the GODS!) Chinese food is wonderful, Italian men are very sexy. It instantly turns you in the eyes of the examiner from just another examination candidate into a real, warm, flesh and blood person. It also helps you to speak more naturally and fluently. Try it sometime. Record yourself reciting facts and figures. Then record yourself describing the best meal you ever ate. See the difference? The examiner will.
Next article: sounding well-read.
Friday, 11 June 2010
What to say when words fail you part 4
Examination tricks
Many clever, thoughtful people, with an excellent grasp of the language they are studying, get very nervous about speaking in examinations. You can hardly blame them. The idea of answering questions from a total stranger, on complex topics that you get no advanced notice of, and demonstrating your full command of a foreign language, is a scary one. It is all the more scary if you we never taught to express your opinions during your education, but to memorise phrases and grammar rules from out of a book. What if I really have nothing sensible to say about global warming or the American economy? Just how stupid am I going to look?
Take heart. They are not expecting you to be a very clever person. If you are indeed clever, you can use this as your secret weapon.
First you need to recognise that a lot of the questions that examiners set students are actually quite silly.
Here's an example. The student must speak on this subject for two minutes, then answer questions for a further five:
"Has society become too dependent on modern technology?"
There are three problems with this question:
1) It is a closed question. You could answer it with "Yes!" "No!" or "Maybe", sit back and smile. The examiner now has to find an additional two minutes of questions.
2) The words "too dependent" tell you that it is a value judgement question. You can't properly answer it without considering how much, in your opinion, society should be dependent on technology, then consider how much society is dependent on technology, before you can say whether society is too dependent on technology. A fully-considered answer could take you 40 minutes, which you don't have.
3) It is a leading question, in that it directs you towards the answer "Yes". Many examination questions are worded so that either "Yes" or "No" sound like the 'right' answer. Graduates have been trained to argue both sides of an argument, so they prefer to answer "Well, it depends on your definition of....." which will take too long. You need to start your answer "Yes, because...." or "No, because...." and stop talking two minutes later.
If you think that the question is stupid, try to rephrase the question and then answer your question not theirs.
eg:
"Yes, we ARE dependent on technology, because....." You have lost the word 'too' from the question which changes it to a factual question. The examiner, if he is paying attention, will notice this and will ask you a question later, with the word "too" in it. That's OK. Knowing in advance what the next question will be will help you to control the question and answer session.
It would be useful to know some facts. Did you research world dependence on technology before the exam? No? Then you can make them up.
Learn these useful phrases:
"Statistics indicate that the number of people who regularly use [pick a technology] is increasing by ...% year-on-year"
"Government experts predict that by the year 2020. ...% of school-age children will own a [pick a device]".
"Some scientists believe that [pick a technology] will play a vital part in addressing the issues of global warming".
My Chinese student had assumed that she was supposed to memorise official facts and figures, and that she would lose marks if she got them wrong. She also thought that one side of the argument would be the "correct" one and that she would lose marks for not knowing which side she should be on.
Possibly this was realistic for her, given how the Chinese educational system works. Nevertheless, you will have a much better opportunity to demonstrate your language proficiency if you say something definite and controversial. Fortunately neither you nor the examiner needs to believe what you say. What's important is that you keep him awake and listening to you.
Eg:
"Yes we ARE too dependent on technology. The gods intended us to live in caves and hunt bears. We should all return to this lifestyle immediately or we are DAMNED!!!"
"No! Technology is vital to enable the worlds' governments to spy more effectively on other countries and their own citizens!"
"No! Our only hope of surviving climate change is to become MORE dependent on technology. Genetically modified foods are our future!"
"Ever since the invention of the stone axe man has been dependent on technology. Whether you approve of it or not, Homo Sapiens has always been and will always be a geek."
"Well, I'm definitely dependent on technology. If you tried to take my iPad away from me I might try to kill you!"
Next time:
Using humour.
Many clever, thoughtful people, with an excellent grasp of the language they are studying, get very nervous about speaking in examinations. You can hardly blame them. The idea of answering questions from a total stranger, on complex topics that you get no advanced notice of, and demonstrating your full command of a foreign language, is a scary one. It is all the more scary if you we never taught to express your opinions during your education, but to memorise phrases and grammar rules from out of a book. What if I really have nothing sensible to say about global warming or the American economy? Just how stupid am I going to look?
Take heart. They are not expecting you to be a very clever person. If you are indeed clever, you can use this as your secret weapon.
First you need to recognise that a lot of the questions that examiners set students are actually quite silly.
Here's an example. The student must speak on this subject for two minutes, then answer questions for a further five:
"Has society become too dependent on modern technology?"
There are three problems with this question:
1) It is a closed question. You could answer it with "Yes!" "No!" or "Maybe", sit back and smile. The examiner now has to find an additional two minutes of questions.
2) The words "too dependent" tell you that it is a value judgement question. You can't properly answer it without considering how much, in your opinion, society should be dependent on technology, then consider how much society is dependent on technology, before you can say whether society is too dependent on technology. A fully-considered answer could take you 40 minutes, which you don't have.
3) It is a leading question, in that it directs you towards the answer "Yes". Many examination questions are worded so that either "Yes" or "No" sound like the 'right' answer. Graduates have been trained to argue both sides of an argument, so they prefer to answer "Well, it depends on your definition of....." which will take too long. You need to start your answer "Yes, because...." or "No, because...." and stop talking two minutes later.
If you think that the question is stupid, try to rephrase the question and then answer your question not theirs.
eg:
"Yes, we ARE dependent on technology, because....." You have lost the word 'too' from the question which changes it to a factual question. The examiner, if he is paying attention, will notice this and will ask you a question later, with the word "too" in it. That's OK. Knowing in advance what the next question will be will help you to control the question and answer session.
It would be useful to know some facts. Did you research world dependence on technology before the exam? No? Then you can make them up.
Learn these useful phrases:
"Statistics indicate that the number of people who regularly use [pick a technology] is increasing by ...% year-on-year"
"Government experts predict that by the year 2020. ...% of school-age children will own a [pick a device]".
"Some scientists believe that [pick a technology] will play a vital part in addressing the issues of global warming".
My Chinese student had assumed that she was supposed to memorise official facts and figures, and that she would lose marks if she got them wrong. She also thought that one side of the argument would be the "correct" one and that she would lose marks for not knowing which side she should be on.
Possibly this was realistic for her, given how the Chinese educational system works. Nevertheless, you will have a much better opportunity to demonstrate your language proficiency if you say something definite and controversial. Fortunately neither you nor the examiner needs to believe what you say. What's important is that you keep him awake and listening to you.
Eg:
"Yes we ARE too dependent on technology. The gods intended us to live in caves and hunt bears. We should all return to this lifestyle immediately or we are DAMNED!!!"
"No! Technology is vital to enable the worlds' governments to spy more effectively on other countries and their own citizens!"
"No! Our only hope of surviving climate change is to become MORE dependent on technology. Genetically modified foods are our future!"
"Ever since the invention of the stone axe man has been dependent on technology. Whether you approve of it or not, Homo Sapiens has always been and will always be a geek."
"Well, I'm definitely dependent on technology. If you tried to take my iPad away from me I might try to kill you!"
Next time:
Using humour.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
What to say when words fail you part 3
Getting a moment to think
A lot of people, answering a question in their native language, will get about five words into the answer before they decide what the answer actually is. It's called "putting the mouth in gear while the brain is still in neutral". People who have been to university, as well as people speaking in a foreign language, usually tend to wait until they have thought of their answer before they start to speak. If the speaker is shy or feeling anxious, they will then take an extra second to double-check their words before voicing them. Shy, clever, educated people speaking in a foreign language may need several seconds of processing time before answering a question even as simple as: "Do people in your country like dogs?" A silent period before answering may make your conversational partner think that you are stupid, ignorant of the language, drunk, falling asleep or in some kind of hypnotic trance. It may be a good idea to make some noise while revving up your brain.
Here are some suggestions for making the right kinds of noise:
1) Pretend you didn't hear the question.
"Did you say dogs or frogs?"
2) Repeat the question in a thoughtful voice:
"Do people in my country like dogs?"
3) Say "Mmm....."
4) Say: "That's a VERY interesting question! Let me think....."
5) Say: "Well, I'm not ENTIRELY sure, but I would say....."
6) Ask for clarification of the question.
"Do you mean that they like dogs in the sense of keeping them as pets?"
7) Turn the question back onto the questioner.
"Mmm....I'm not really sure.....how popular are they in YOUR country?"
8) Answer "No!" in a confident tone of voice.
The chances are that the questioner wasn't expecting that (people tend to ask questions expecting the answer yes). They will then ask "WHY don't people in your country like dogs?" Now you may have to.....
9) Invent an outrageous lie.
"Dogs were banned in my country about twenty years ago. We keep ferrets or very large hamsters as house pets instead." This sounds so unlikely that you know the questioner will ask you more about it. This is useful for controlling a question-and-answer session in an examination.
10)Tell a personal or family story.
"My grandfather was a famous dog breeder. He once sold a cocker spaniel to Stalin's aunt." It doesn't matter if it is only slightly relevant to the question, if the story is interesting you can get a couple of minutes of conversation out of it - again useful in examinations.
Failing that:
11) Admit your ignorance and move on.
"I have absolutely no idea I'm afraid. Have you another question you could ask me instead?"
This works best if the questioner doesn't know you:
12) State an opinion.
"Dogs? I hate dogs! They carry fleas and people spend money on them that they could spend feeding the homeless!" You don't really have to think this, just state something the other person is likely to disagree with and, again, you control the conversation for the next couple of minutes.
If absolutely desperate, you can always try:
13) The wildly unexpected conversation change.
"I don't know much about dogs. Incidentally, did you know that my country is world famous for producing a kind of cheese made from mouse's milk? Pavarotti wouldn't perform anywhere without a crate of it in his dressing room."
Next article: more examination tips.
A lot of people, answering a question in their native language, will get about five words into the answer before they decide what the answer actually is. It's called "putting the mouth in gear while the brain is still in neutral". People who have been to university, as well as people speaking in a foreign language, usually tend to wait until they have thought of their answer before they start to speak. If the speaker is shy or feeling anxious, they will then take an extra second to double-check their words before voicing them. Shy, clever, educated people speaking in a foreign language may need several seconds of processing time before answering a question even as simple as: "Do people in your country like dogs?" A silent period before answering may make your conversational partner think that you are stupid, ignorant of the language, drunk, falling asleep or in some kind of hypnotic trance. It may be a good idea to make some noise while revving up your brain.
Here are some suggestions for making the right kinds of noise:
1) Pretend you didn't hear the question.
"Did you say dogs or frogs?"
2) Repeat the question in a thoughtful voice:
"Do people in my country like dogs?"
3) Say "Mmm....."
4) Say: "That's a VERY interesting question! Let me think....."
5) Say: "Well, I'm not ENTIRELY sure, but I would say....."
6) Ask for clarification of the question.
"Do you mean that they like dogs in the sense of keeping them as pets?"
7) Turn the question back onto the questioner.
"Mmm....I'm not really sure.....how popular are they in YOUR country?"
8) Answer "No!" in a confident tone of voice.
The chances are that the questioner wasn't expecting that (people tend to ask questions expecting the answer yes). They will then ask "WHY don't people in your country like dogs?" Now you may have to.....
9) Invent an outrageous lie.
"Dogs were banned in my country about twenty years ago. We keep ferrets or very large hamsters as house pets instead." This sounds so unlikely that you know the questioner will ask you more about it. This is useful for controlling a question-and-answer session in an examination.
10)Tell a personal or family story.
"My grandfather was a famous dog breeder. He once sold a cocker spaniel to Stalin's aunt." It doesn't matter if it is only slightly relevant to the question, if the story is interesting you can get a couple of minutes of conversation out of it - again useful in examinations.
Failing that:
11) Admit your ignorance and move on.
"I have absolutely no idea I'm afraid. Have you another question you could ask me instead?"
This works best if the questioner doesn't know you:
12) State an opinion.
"Dogs? I hate dogs! They carry fleas and people spend money on them that they could spend feeding the homeless!" You don't really have to think this, just state something the other person is likely to disagree with and, again, you control the conversation for the next couple of minutes.
If absolutely desperate, you can always try:
13) The wildly unexpected conversation change.
"I don't know much about dogs. Incidentally, did you know that my country is world famous for producing a kind of cheese made from mouse's milk? Pavarotti wouldn't perform anywhere without a crate of it in his dressing room."
Next article: more examination tips.
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