Friday, 28 May 2010

What to say when words fail you part 2

Understanding the Question


I used to talk to a lady from China who, despite many years of instruction couldn't speak English fluently. No matter how slowly and carefully I spoke, no matter how simple the question, two out of every three of my questions were met with silence. I then had to work through a list of possibilities: Can you hear me? Is there noise on the line? Do you want me to rephrase the question?

After a couple of conversations she had a very good idea. She read out to me a piece of English she had prepared earlier and it was excellent. Clearly she understood English very well, at least when it was written down. I recommended extra listening practice.

A few conversations later and she got braver. She admitted that when she didn't understand a question, she had no idea what to do about it. I suggested she LingQ and learn the following phrases:

“This Skype connection's terrible!”
“Can you repeat that please?”
“I'm sorry, I have trouble understanding your accent!”
“Could you say that more slowly please?”
“Could you please rephrase the question?”
“I don't know this word:....”
“What do you mean by the phrase......?”
“Let me check that I have understood you. Are you asking me.....?”

I said that, even in an English examination, there should be no penalty for asking to have the question repeated, and if the examiner has an unfamilar accent you may need them to slow down and maybe even use different words. I also thought that, even if you DID understand the question, you could ask to have it repeated to give you a few seconds extra thinking time.

“What if I need more thinking time?” she asked.

Well, I'll save that question for next time. For homework, please practise the phrase “This Skype connection's terrible!”

What to say when words fail you

Several students of English have said to me lately: “I'm not very good at English because I can't speak fluently”. In vain I protest that their English is excellent. They don't believe me. “Oh, I can talk about my research into creating superintelligent woodlice,” they answer modestly, “But ask me about how to eliminate world poverty and I can think of nothing to say!” Well, I'm hardly suprised. The Pope, Barrack Obama and Bob Geldoff between them couldn't solve that one. The difference between them and you is, they could talk fluently, even passionately, on the subject despite having no really clever ideas.

Natives have strategies for continuing to talk when words fail them. Starting from the age of two, when a child points to an object and calls it a “bah-bah!”, rising through teenage years of using a restricted set of idiomatic vocabulary (innit, yeah?), to a career as a politician or a TV rent-a-gob. We learn how to keep our mouths working until ours brains catch up.

The main problem for intelligent people is that they tend to go to university where they are taught not to make a statement unless they can back it up with evidence. Collecting data, sifting out useful information and reasoning your way to a conclusion takes time. In England, when someone says “Lovely weather!” to you, by the time you have looked at the sky, estimated the air temperature, wind speed and the possibility of rain later, not only has your conversational partner walked away but the weather will have changed too. Sometimes all that is expected of you is to open your mouth and make some noise.

This problem gets worse when intelligent people decide to learn a second language. Teachers tell you how to communicate information correctly. To a smart person that means even more processing, even slower responses. To a listener this sounds like you haven't understood the question, or you are too stupid to answer.

Recently I asked someone whether there were a lot of trees in his country. It was a stupid question, I was just checking that he was still on the line and hadn't fallen asleep over his laptop. The answer was a long, puzzled silence. “Did you hear the question?” I asked finally. “I heard it and I understood it,” he admitted, bashfully, “but I'm afraid I don't know the answer!” Clearly he is an extremely intelligent person, because if he wasn't he would have said “Oh, yes!” 'Yes' is a nice, bright, shiny word, it trips off the tongue and makes people happy. Who cares if it is the right answer? It takes a lot of intelligence to make you afraid of making an ill-judged remark about forests.

I intend to write a series of pieces, aimed at the smart but tongue-tied student, explaining what you can say when you can't think what to say. My suggestions will not make you sound cleverer: you already know how to speak like an intelligent person. They will hopefully, however, make you sound more confident and comfortable in a conversation in English, which will make the process of speaking intelligently a less stressful experience. Who knows, they might even come in useful when you speak in your own language!

Monday, 24 May 2010

Robin can sing (a beginner 1 story)

Robin sings songs at school. He sings them with the other children in the nursery class. They sing “Twinkle twinkle little star”. It goes like this:

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are,
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are.

Robin likes this song because it makes him think of space and rockets and the Doctor in his Tardis. Mum likes the song too and she sings it with Robin. Robin does not know how Mum knows all the words when she does not go to nursery class.

Mum knows another song. It goes like this:

London's burning
London's burning
Fetch the engines!
Fetch the engines!
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Pour on water!
Pour on water!

Mum and Emma like to sing it together. When Robin knows all the words he will sing it with them.

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Robin loves Daleks (a beginner 1 story)

Robin's big brother loves Doctor Who. Doctor Who is on TV on Saturdays after tea-time. Everyone sits down to watch Doctor Who. If anyone talks when Doctor Who is on James says “Shh!”

Robin likes Doctor Who too. He likes the Tardis when it flies through space like a space rocket. Robin likes all the aliens. The Cybermen are good and so are the Daleks and the Sea Devils and the Sontarans. The aliens all want to kill the Doctor so the Doctor has to stop them.

Robin does not understand all the words because the people are big and they use big words. He only understands some words like “You are the enemy of the Daleks” and “Kill the Doctor!” When Doctor Who is finished and the TV is turned off Robin runs around shouting “You are the enemy of the Daleks!” He runs around shouting until Emma runs him a lovely bath and makes him get into it.

Mum likes tea (a beginner 1 story)

Mum likes to drink tea. She boils water in the kettle and makes tea in her teapot. Then she pours tea into her cup and pours in milk and drinks it. Sometimes Robin pours the tea out for Mum. Robin is clever because he can pour tea from the teapot into the cup.

Mum shouts “Arrgh!”

Then she says: “Thank you, that's enough dear! Step away from the teapot!”

Mum thinks Robin's pouring is clever too.

Mum drinks a lot of tea. She drinks tea all day. She drinks tea with breakfast. She drinks tea with snacks. She drinks tea at the shops. She drinks tea in bed.

Robin does not drink tea because it is hot and he does not like hot drinks. Robin drinks cold drinks like water and milk and juice and lemonade and ginger beer. Ginger beer tastes hot although it is really cold. Robin thinks that is funny.

Emma drinks hot chocolate. That is too hot for Robin too. Dad does not drink hot drinks. Dad drinks water and lemonade and ginger beer. Robin thinks that Dad is clever because he does not drink hot drinks.

Mum has a cold (a beginner 1 story)

Mum does not feel well. She has a cold. She is in bed and Dad is looking after the children. Dad is cooking lunch. When Dad cooks lunch it is pizza. Dad likes to cook pizza. Robin likes pizza. Pizzas have cheese and tomato on them. James eats pizza with his fingers. Robin eats pizza with a knife and fork. Robin knows how to use a knife and fork. James knows how to use a knife and fork too. Robin does not know why James eats pizza with his fingers.

Mum gets up. She says “Eerrgh!”

Dad says: “You look horrible!”

Mum says: “Eergh eergh!”.

Dad says “Go back to bed because you look horrible!”

Mum says “Want tea now!”

Dad says: “Go back to bed you silly sick woman and I will bring you some tea!”

Mum goes back to bed.

When Mum's cold has gone she will cook lunch. Mum cooks noodles with vegetables or egg and beans on toast. These are nice too.

Dad likes chocolate (a beginner 1 story)

Dad likes to eat chocolate. He buys it from the shop. He keeps it in a cupboard in the kitchen. Robin knows which cupboard it is in. It is in a high cupboard but that is OK because Robin can climb up on a chair. When he is on the chair Robin can climb up onto the table. When he is on the table Robin can reach the cupboard. Sometimes the cupboard door is locked but that is OK too because Robin knows how to take the lock off.

The chocolate is wrapped but that is OK. Robin can take the wrapper off. He knows which drawer the scissors are in. He does not climb to reach the drawer. He stands on the floor and reaches up. The scissors are big and sharp and they can cut through the wrapper. Then Robin can eat chocolate. Robin likes chocolate a lot.

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Making snacks (a beginner 1 story)

Robin likes making snacks. He likes to make himself a snack in the kitchen. The biscuits are in a tin in a cupboard. He can stand on a chair to open the cupboard and get the biscuit tin. Then he can eat lots of biscuits.

If he is thirsty he opens the fridge to get out the milk. He can pour out a cup of milk if the carton is not heavy. If it is heavy he drops the carton and the milk makes a mess on the floor. Mum clears it up.

Robin likes bananas. He knows you have to take the skin off because the skins taste bad. He leaves the skins on the table or on his chair. Mum and Dad always know how many bananas Robin has eaten. That is because they count all the banana skins. Sometimes they count all the way up to six. Six is more than Robin can count up to.

Friday, 21 May 2010

Robin's story (a series of beginner 1 lessons)

Your comments are welcomed! I shall record them and put them in the LingQ library when my cough goes away.

1.
Robin is a little boy. He has a brother called James. James is twelve years old. Robin's sister is called Emma. She is nine. Robin is three. Robin is little because he is only three. Robin knows that when he is twelve years old he will be big.

Robin and his brother and sister live with their mum and dad in a house with a lot of rooms. Mum and Dad have a bedroom and Robin and Emma have a bedroom. James has a bedroom too. One room has a bath and a toilet in it. This is the bathroom. One room has a cooker in it. This is the kitchen. One room has a table and chairs. One room has a sofa and a TV in it. Robin likes this room the best.

2.
Robin doesn't talk much. That's OK because the others talk a lot. Someone is always talking. James talks to Emma, Emma talks to Mum, Mum talks to her computer and Dad tells everyone to be quiet.

Robin doesn't like to talk. He likes to play with toys. The TV is a good toy. So is Mum's computer. Robin likes things with buttons, and he likes things that make a noise. The TV makes a lot of noise. Robin knows which buttons make the most noise. Then everyone tells Robin to be quiet.

3.
Robin goes to school. When he goes to school he wears a blue shirt and a red sweatshirt and pants and trousers and socks and shoes. He has to keep all his clothes on while he is at school, even the pants.

The teachers tell you what to do. If you want to have a wee you have to put your hand up and ask to go to the toilet. Robin doesn't like that. Sometimes he does a wee in his pants. Then he has to take off his pants and put on other pants. You have to have pants on all the time at school.

4.
Robin is in the nursery class. In nursery you can do a lot of things. You can draw and paint and play in sand and water. There are also toys to play with. The toys don't have buttons so Robin doesn't like the toys much. He doesn't talk to the other children in nursey much because they are very little and he doesn't talk to the teachers because they tell him what to do. Robin likes to paint pictures of toys with buttons.

On Fridays Emma comes to nursery to help the little children. Robin talks to Emma because she is big and he knows how to talk to big people. Emma tells Robin what to do. Emma likes telling people what to do. Robin and Emma like Fridays when Emma comes to nursery.

5.
At home Robin likes to play with James' toys. James has lots of good toys because James is big. James has Daleks and Cybermen and TARDISes. He keeps them in his bedroom when he is at school. That's OK because Robin knows how to open James' bedroom door. Robin likes to go into James' bedroom to play with James' toys.

Robin can switch James' computer on and he can play James' piano too. He likes to play with James' magic lantern. James' magic lantern is very old. It is even older than Dad. James loves his magic lantern. Robin loves it too. He can nearly make it work.

How to be offensive: a guide for the polite

A lovely Japanese lady, who must rank among politest people on the planet, has asked me to scrutinise her forums posts and let her know if any of them are offensive. Now, I doubt that she has ever written or said anything deliberately offensive in her life, certainly not to strangers on the internet. I said as much to her (tact is not my strong point).

She said of course not, not intentionally. But how can she tell if, writing in a foreign language, she unintentionally makes an offensive remark? How can she tell what is considered unacceptable in Britain, in North America, indeed to anyone, in any part of the world? Nothing that I have said about the general reasonableness of people or the unimportance of offending people who don't know where you live has satisfied her. She wants a clear action plan for avoiding doing something she has never done and would never dream of doing.

This is tricky. To paraphrase Sherlock Holmes, it is a three-teapot problem. I have thought very hard over a lot of tea and come up with this idea: to teach her how to be deliberately offensive, so that she can recognise when she is doing it and so satisfy herself that she is not doing it.

I'm not an expert on offensive behaviour myself (it's not a compulsory subject in British schools), so I can only offer the following simple suggestions.

Consistently spell the person's name wrong.

If you quote their words, get them wrong. Make sure you give the impression that you did not read their words carefully.

If you like what they write, steal it. Put their comments on your web site without permission. Retell their best jokes and pretend you thought them up.

Tell them that they are ignorant of some common knowledge, like rules of good behaviour, grammar or punctuation. Telling them that they don't understand the history of their own country is a good move.

Question their mental state, also that of their political and religious leaders.

Make public any personal information you may have about them, in an unflattering way.

Make condescending remarks about their age, sex, race and religion. If possible, get at least one of these wrong. Say things like "I don't expect a kid like you to understand this, but...." to someone who a 27 year-old, call a Canadian an American, etc.

Deliberately misunderstand at least one point that they make every time you respond to them.

Either misspell your post to them (to show that you couldn't be bothered to check your words before posting them) or correct their spelling (to imply that they are too lazy to check their words before posting them). Be sure to correct their spelling if they are writing in their native language.

Express all your opinions as facts and say that anyone who disputes them is an idiot/bigot/heathen. Naturally, you should at the same time dispute every opinion expressed by your opponent.

Throw in very extremely unecessarily EMPHATIC language, such as &*$%ing OBSCENTITIES, CAPITALS and lots of EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!! This makes you look like an UNREASONABLE and VERY ANGRY person!

you could also try typing everything in lower case very long sentences with no punctuation at all which makes you look very mad and also unreasonable but not very angry.


I shall be setting all my politest and most charming students the task of writing me an offensive post. There may be a prize for the best entry. Watch this space.....

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Talk like a three-year old

As both the readers of my blog will be aware, my smallest son has been getting into trouble at school. The teachers have reported very seriously that he has not been meeting his targets. Those are National Performance Targets, set by the Government. It's practically treason not to meet them.

"But he's only three!" I protested. "What can you possibly expect a three-year-old to be doing that he isn't doing?"

"He doesn't Interact Socially With Others. He doesn't Put His Hand Up to Ask to Go To The Toilet. In short, he doesn't talk."

Ah. This was difficult to refute. Birdy had by the age of three mastered the Old Homo Erectus dialect (point, grunt, point, SCREAM!) and decided that that was sufficient to meed his communication needs. Since he is a World Champion at opening closed cupboards, finding the biscuit tin, switching the TV on and switching Mum's computer off, he didn't really have any needs that he couldn't satisfy by himself. If the purpose of language is to satisfy our communication needs, then Birdy's language skills were impeccable.

I admit I was starting to get worried about him. Listening to all the other little children in his nursery class happily chattering away as they played Mummies and Daddies, I did wonder if Birdy might be missing a couple of cogs.

This term he has started playing with Big Brother's Doctor Who figures. (They are kept in a locked bedroom but that doesn't stop him.) He has been talking as part of his games, first repeating lines from the TV show, then riffing on them to create his own improvisations. I heartily approve. It's the LingQ Way.

First he amassed a collection of "all-purpose nouns". Anything with batteries in it is a deet-deet. Anything even remotely cylindrical and man-sized is a Dalek. Any tool is a screwdriver.

He also improvises new nouns. Shown a picture of a lawn mower he called it a "garden hoover". He explained to me how he wees out of his "willy button" (a part of his anatomy that I don't even know the proper name for). By putting two nouns together he can come up with a wonderfully descriptive, new name for something.

James at Birdy's age was good at making words up from scratch. He coined the verb "to spadge", as in "if you spadge together yellow and blue paint you get green". Emma would sing her remarks, and hum in the bits where she couldn't think up words.

It is interesting to think that, by the age of four, a child has amassed powerful coping strategies for talking about unfamilar objects or situations, whereas some advanced English students refuse to speak on "new" topics, for fear that their active vocabulary will fall short. I believe if they could learn to improvise, to "riff" on the language, they would be more confident speakers and also learn the "proper" vocabulary faster than they would by just avoiding tricky new topics.

Can we, as adult learners, learn to improvise like a three year old? Can teachers support learners in learning to improvise?

More on this topic later....